THE FLASH 2023
6/10
The movie that should have came out between Batman v. Superman and the Justice League movie.
Like MOS and a stand alone Affleck Batman movie should have happened between those movies butwhatever.
And just to let you know where I stand:
Man of Steel –10/10 perfect, no notes. Collator damage was realistic and Zod neck had it coming. Go argue with yo moma.
BvS– 5/10 overly complicated plot, Not enough Superman and “Martha” was dumb af. Period.
WonderWoman–9/10 waited my whole life for that movie but didn't need her to fall in love.
Aquaman- 6/10 Thank god for Jason Momoa otherwise it was whatever.
Josstice League– 2/10 Trash. Sup vs the League was the only good part.
WW84--0/10 Pure uncut Trash. The whole movie made no sense. They made WW, the feminist ICON a sad bitch
moping over a dude she knew for 2 days 70 years ago.WW the feminist ICON fucked some dude’s body
because the soul of her old boo was in it.The wishing rock thing. All of it, trash.
Justice League THE SNYDER CUT-7/10 Needed more Superman was too long for not reason.
Shazam 6/10 was okay, don't need to see it again ever.
Black Adam 5/10 Loved the Rock but hated the story and writing it felt so outdated.That kid was annoyingaf. The only reason I really wanted to see it was because of Superman.
Shazam 2–Didn’t see because they fired HC and I didn't care about Shazam 1 that much anyway.
And now this.
I didn’t want to see. I hated Ezra Miller’s Flash in both cuts of Justice Leagues, but then Micheal Keaton was put on the table and I had to see. That's my Batman. I love Ben Affleck and it’s bs that he won't be doing a stand alone Batman movie but the 2 Keaton Batman movies were life. I grow up watching the Superman movies but they were so cheesy and the Burton Batman movies just hit different. And again I just love the Micheal Keaton period.
And Ezra Miller's life has been very problematic to say the least. I don't know how many charges are pending or their guilt or innocence. IDK But purely as an actor, as Barry Allen, Miller made me not care about a Flash movie. So Keaton is the only reason I gave in.
But I bought a ticket to see The Blackening. A film I have no interest in seeing. A comedy/horror film with an all black cast, with the tagline We Can’t All Die First. That’s super funny but also larger than the actual title on the poster of the movie, and that annoys me so bad. But Black writers, director and cast so I gave them my $12 and took my Black ass over to see my boo Micheal Keaton.
Theater had a capacity of 96 but only maybe 20 other people were in there. All the seats on the outsideand top were empty so I didn't have to worry about taking somebody’s seat.
It started out very lighthearted. Barry is waiting for his sandwich at a shop but the girl that knows his orders is not there. He has like a fit bit thing letting him know he needs to eat. His energy is getting low so he really needs to eat.
I know he's a young bachelor but he's been The FLASH for years. He doesn't have groceries delivered to his spot everyday? He has to eat hella food. And he’s the fucking FLASH he so he could literaly do his grocery shopping in less than a minute if he wanted. And why doesn't he have energy bars in his bag at all times?
But anyway. Alfred and Bruce call him to come help in Gotham. So he runs from his town to Gotham. Before he goes he has to do this whole runner pose before taking off which makes no type of sense because he ran in the bathroom to change and ran outside with no slow ass whined up but then ran into the street, then stopped. Does a slow ass running pose like he’s trying to find zen, the title starts to come up, the music swells then stops because some fangirls start screaming from the sidewalk. So that was the whole point. The bit with the young teen girls screaming for him, hahaha. With Miller issues with teen girls maybe they should have taken that out.
He takes off finally. And then there is a whole “funny" scene of babies falling out of the hospital and him of course going in fast/slow mo to save them all. I knew no babies weren't gonna die but I didn't need that type of stress. He saves them. Great, cool. Batman is chasing the bad guess. He totally kills a few of them. I’m okay with that. Fuck em. The last dude and Bats go off the bridge and Wonder Woman pulls up to save them before what ever the fuck they stole fell into the water killing every body in Gotham. I didn't expect her to be in it so that was cool. Bats rambling like an ass because she pulled him up with her Lasso Of Truth was lame and not a cool surprise. And he says if he really wanted to stop crime he should just give his money away to help people. And that kinda pissed me off because It makes no sense that he would do what he does but actually believe he could help more doing something else but just don’t. WTH? Anyway Barry is apparently a virgin.
Barry finally gets his sandwich and gets to job at the city crime lab. Iris is a reporter and she and Barry knew each other in college. She comes off as fake. She wants a quote about Barry’s Dad case. Not cool. He talks to his dad about new evidence that cant clear him for the murder case of his mom because his head was down on the videotape at the grocery store the time his mom was murdered.
We get the flashback…get it, Flashback… of what happened the day his mom was killed. She sent dad to get some tomatoes for whatever she was making. Right before he got back something happened. And we have no clue what actually happened to her or who killed her. Barry could have gone and found out but whatever. After his flashback he runs so fast he goes back in time. You know how a really sad flashback can be so upsetting. This is when he realizes he can go back in time further than a few minutes like in JL.
And this time it looks completely different. He’s in ball that turning around him like a kaleidoscope of the
past. It's a really cool effect. I have never seen time travel shown like this before. He doesn't do anything
at that point. He goes and talks to Bruce about it and Bruce says dont do shit. The bad shit, your mom
dying my parents dying it made us us. If you change things in ways you cant foresee. But then Iris comes
by to apologize for being a dumb-ass before. And then this dummy get the idea that he should go back in
time to make to put a can of tomatoes into her cart.
And then on the way back to his current time and scary jacked up dude that I thought was the Reverse Flash aka Zoom, comes out of the kaleidoscope and knock Barry out it and into the wrong time. He's at his house, his mom is alive. He's happy. Very moving then the younger Barry that's a freshman in college, shows up. This is definitely the least favorite part of this film. Younger Barry is way more annoying than he was in the JL movies. This version didn't lose his mom or have his dad in prison so I guess having everything going good in life can make a hyper person even more obnoxious. Original Barry even makes a joke about see why people find him annoying. And it was funny. In this Original Barry is like a completely different person than the dude in JL and Miller is being so extra hype and goofy as younger Barry it's like watching 2 different people and actually it never felt weird or fake with them being in the same shots. We've come a long way since Big Business or any movie from the 80’s or 90’s when people played twins or doubles of themselves and every time they were in the same frame it looked horrible and took you out of the movie. That never happens here. It always felt like two completely different people. There was plenty of other bad CG but not that part.
So OG Barry realize it the day he gets his powers so he takes younger Barry to the lab to make sure hisgets it too but OG Barry loses his powers in the process. Then we watch the young Barry run around likea fool for way too long. Barry realizes that things are different in this timeline like Micheal. J. Fox wasn'tMarty Mccly in Back to the Future. Hahaha. Get it? That's a travel movie, this is a time travel movie.
So then Zod shows up. Barry apparently had just got his powers when Zod came around in his time andall he could do was go to Metropolis and save just one kid. So now he has a chance to do more anddecides he needs to go get Superman. Not sure why. Yes things are different but he had no real reason tothink Superman wasn't gonna show up in this timeline and he needed to go get him but whatever.Apparently though nobody knows Aquaman or Wonder Woman so he thinks that mean they don't exist at all.IDK. He goes to Gotham to get Bruce and boom its the man I been waiting for Mr. Mom himself, MichealMother fucking Keaton. I don't know if this Bruce gave all his money away to help Gotham because hedoes say that Gotham is than Afflecks Batman so Barry is confused. Bruce basically tells him you fuckedup the timeline. Time ain't a straight line and you took a wrong turn and good luck. He for some reason isnot tripping off Zod fucking Earth up.
The Barrys go to the Batcave and young Barry annoys the fuck out of OG Barry so bad he goes off onhis ass because Young Barry is clueless at how good he got it and how serious all of this is and hessick of his goofy ass shit. Loved it.
Eventually The Keatman decided to help and they go to Russia because that's where they thinkSuperman is being held. We know its SuperGirl because they spoiled that shit in the trailer and alsofired Henry Cavill for some dumb-ass reason. I’m not bitter!
So they fight their way in and out of the Russian base place with some CGI video game cut-scene. Allof Micheal Keaton's fighting scenes looked like video game cut scenes. And then they get the girl up tothe sun and she charges up and it's horrible. The flying to the punches look fake. Like she’s not even inthe same set as the other actors she is hitting. Maybe this was because of Covid they had to film it thatway, I don't know but it looked really bad. They win. They get back to Wayne manor. She get on herSuperGirl suit on and basically says the Russian were assholes so fuck earth this aint my home and bonces togo see Zod but after she sees him kill some military dudes she changes her mind. Zod seemsto have seen her but they don't talk or anything for reasons.
OG Barry decides he needs to recreate what happened to him to get his powers back and Bruce is down.The 1st attempt don’t work but SuperGirl shows back up and flys him into the sky to get hit by lightningof course it happens immediately because the lightning knows it's in a movie and we need to get to thebig show down with the final boss asap.
The 4 go to stop Zod but I guess Superman never told Barry all he had to do to really stopped Zod in the 1st place because they don't even try to destroy the machine things Zod used to terraform the world which was the biggest problem with Zod. Terra-forming earth would kill everybody everywhere. So they just go to fight him like Super Girl could kill him and that would be enough. So I’m thinking…what’s the point of this fight? This is so dumb because his machines should already be in place. He even takes out his 3D Apple Watch thing to get them going. But…oh well? Movie gotta movie.
So everybody gets their asses kicked. The fight with Zod and SuperGirl was cool. Apparently Zod got to Superman's pod before he got to earth and killed him. A baby Superman was murder! Kara aka SuperGirl goes off, The fight is great, and never too one sided. It felt like she won the fight but we know how badass and relentless Zod is, so we also knew she was dumb af to let her guard down before snapping that asshole's neck like a Slim Jim. He kills her, puts some machine on her to extract her DNA to do what he want to do. Batman Batwing is hit. Hes going down and crashes into one of Zod’s air things which Zod aint even on. So Batman kills himself and affects nothing.
Meanwhile the Barrys fight together. OG Flash has to keep showing Jr how to use his powers. That scene was actually really cool. They basically tag teaming fools. It’s great. Faora chick is fucking it up like in MOS. They fight her and I think the big dude too. I don’t remember how everything played out because so fucking much is happening.
But anyway they see Super Girl and Batman die and decide to go back in time just a little bit to restart this fight that doesn't even really matter but whatever. And Bats and SuperGirl die again in new and painful ways. Jr Flash gets hit by some debris but just wants to keep going back and restart the fight ...again. And this s when I get the twist.
Jr Flash wants to keep going back in time to restart the battle over and over. Every time it doesn't work and he gets more and more debris stuck in him but he won’t stop. OG Barry is realizing it’s futile and both Bruce Wayne’s were right. He shouldn’t have fucked with time travel. But Jr ain’t hearing it, he keeps going and the kaleidoscope keeps getting bigger and more elaborate. We start to see other universes and timelines that looks balls of time.(Note to self, Balls of Time perfect title for a porn about time travel) Anyway Jr is the fucked up looking asshole that knocked OG Barry out of the speed force bubble.
Oh and we see into the other Balls of Time. We see the OG Superman, George Reeves and Christopher Reeves and OG Batman, Adam West. Great, wonderful. RIP and all that but what blow my mind was long haired NICHOLAS FUCKING CAGE as Superman! He’s not just posing stoically, no, he's fighting a giant ass spider. This was a thing that was gonna happen forever ago. Nic Cage as Superman was gonna happen but didn’t. When I saw that shit I actually clapped and laughed so fucking hard. I could not believe my eyes. I did not at any point in my movie loving life want to see that man as Superman but the idea tickled me when I heard about it. So I loved that they added that in but people who don’t follow movie news closely would be so confused by that shit and I kinda love that too.
Anyway the really really old Jr jumps in the speed force bubble when all the Time Balls start colliding and he still wants to keep going. He’s fucking old as time but somehow think he can still save his mom. Jr sees what he’s becoming and feels dumb but old Jr wants to stop OG from stopping and Jr is killed by Old Jr and OG does the backwards running man to go take out the can of tomatoes from his moms cart. That scene with his mom, her not knowing thats her grown son and him knowing hes gonna let her die, is kinda fucked up. They talk, she sees he's upset and offers to hug him. He’s fighting back tears. I don’t care, I won't be able to let my mom die after seeing her again. But he’s a super hero so he takes the can of tomatoes out the cart and puts it back on the shelf where it belongs because he's not an animal. But then he realizes that his dad’s face wasn't seen on camera because of how low they were on the shelf, so he puts them on the top shelf and boom.
He goes back to the future and the tape shows his dad’s face as clear as day and now he’s innocent but doesn't leave the courthouse with his son immediately . I don't know how that shit works, maybe the judge has to do paperwork or something like that but if I was Barry I wouldn't leave without my dad. The man has been in jail/prison since Barry was 10-11. How did he not pick his dad up like a baby and carry him out the courtroom?
Okay so he changed something in the past to get his dad set free for her murder but he didnt go back in time to at least find out who actually killed her? Why and how? I get him not want to fuck with the timeline too much but he could have just saw who killed her so when he came back to the future he can go after the killer. But no?
So then he leaves the courthouse with Iris, she cool now. He asked her on a date.Great whatever. But again his dad has been behind bars for most of his life. I get he's a virgin but how is he not running to hook shit up with his dad and celebrate like crazy?
Anyway….George Clooney shows up. Yeah so talking to his mom and/or moving the tomates changed the timeline any damn way so now he has the worst Batman.
That had to have been a reshoot because Miller looked like shit. Like a computer generated person that was hungover so they used all the makeup. Looked horrid. But Clooney looks ridiculously sexy. I don't even remember what he said, don't think he said much anyway but I was too busy thinking about what I wanted to do with that sexy man. Like really I haven't swooned for Clooney this hard since the 1st Ocean’s 11. Having him look like that next to Miller was fucked up.
I thought there was gonna be an end credit scene but no. I guess people were talking about the Clooney scene which I guess was mid-credit. I don't remember. George Clooney was fine as fuck. Horrible Batman and Batman movie but I forgive him.
Okay 6/10. It was okay. I would recommend it but if you hated the other DCEU movies you probably wouldn't care about this in any damn way.
I loved the new chill Barry. I loved the chemistry Miller has with himself and Keaton. SuperGirl was forgettable. We don’t get to spend any real time with her to get to know her. I wish she was blond too. I don’t give a shit about race swapping, hell I love it because it makes the bros mad but can we at least do the hair color. And yes I wish Amy Adams Lois Lane had dark hair too. Has she ever dyed her hair for a movie? I don't think she has. Is she just hard pressed to rep Reds for life?
Anyway, I loved Keaton but his fight scene looked so fake and it seemed weird that when we find him he hasn't been Batman in years but he never looks out of step when he puts back on the cap. He’s an old man that hasn't fought in years, it would have been okay to show that but maybe they don't want to make Batman look silly or lame but they already did that with Affleck with the Lasso of Truth but whatever.
Like I said some of the action looked horrible but I loved the speed force kaleidoscope Balls of Time thing.
They curse some and we see Miller’s ass so maybe not for kids. It's PG-13 but people will be taking smaller kids but booties never hurt anybody and everybody has one.
No comments:
Post a Comment